Week 1

This week has already been a fight with the wine witch, whispering in my ear that I do not need to do this whole sobriety crap and that I can drink in moderation and I am going to feel left out if I don't (yeah right wine witch) I try to tell myself I am not actually an alcoholic/addict and I just have difficulties with binge drinking and it going a little further on some nights... thing is, this first weekend has shown me that there is absolutely some sort of addiction to alcohol/narcotics and a need to want it to fit in with society (which angers me slightly) and that's what I am trying to stop.... I want to feel everything and be able to manage the emotions that comes with it in all its rawness, so I stop completing this fictitious circle repeatedly. 

There were plans to go out with a few friends on Friday (Day 7), friend 1 didn't have the funds to go out and so I said, "don't worry let’s plan for another time" friend 2 I had said I can come out for an hour, but I was driving and not drinking, 'why you not drinking" she said all judgmental... I need a change I say.

The day of the outing, I’m pegging washing out before the school run and the phone rings.... 'Hi Love, I’ve had a think and because your only out for an hour and not drinking I'm going to give tonight a miss, if you were out longer and drinking, I may have come out still" SORRY WHAT! I feel terrible, I feel worthless and unimportant to friend 2, why can't I go out and not drink and still have a good time? a nicer time that doesn't lead to having to deal with 4 children with a hangover the next morning... unlike her who does not! It hits me.... I am going to lose my friend over this. 

I head out with my two year old trying to shake off the feelings of not being important as a sober chick (which I can tell you I AM), everything is great until a vehicle comes over the central reservation towards my vehicle with my baby I in, I manage to turn at the right second and they only manage to hit the back drivers side of the car, we're safe, a little shaken but I definitely have whip-lash ( I consider myself bloody lucky) I can't help myself but think, had this driver been afternoon drinking? how ironic would that be after a week of being sober I’m hit by a drink driver... I’ve not heard anything yet so maybe not. 

That evening, all I can think about is I want a drink, I deserve it after the accident, I tell my husband I’m struggling and he says let’s have a non-alcoholic Stella, it helps a lot! We then get the kids to bed, and I make a hot chocolate and head to bed to read The Sober Diaries book by Claire Pooley which I have not been able to put down all week. 

Thinking back to the 'loosing of friends' I’ve come to realise that I am not losing anything, if people are your friends and love you, they will love you for who you are. Another thought I’ve had is maybe with sobriety I can end up with a lot more friends of a greater quality, maybe I don’t have many (or fake ones) because of what the alcohol makes me? Maybe I lost my “good quality friends’ through the drink.

I don't have many friends due to my BPD (We have a tendency to push people away a lot) and I get it, it’s all a little exhausting on their behalf but how does that comprehend to the person with BPD, sometimes I am so exhausted from social life that I can lock myself away for weeks. (my poor husband), avoiding people, other times I am the life of the party (with the use of alcohol) and everyone is my friend (although NOT everyone is) even now whilst I write this blog I'm thinking, this is pointless, I'm not good enough to start a blog, what do you expect you’re going to get from this...a worldwide published book like Claire (don't be stupid) But I find it very theraptic and feel it is helping me to be accountable. (This is for ME) if people stumble across my blog and find it helpful in anyway then that's a bonus. 

BPDA