Week 0 - where it all started

I am a 34 (pretty much 35) mother/wife of 4 boys, ranging from 13 years to 22 months and was diagnosed with BPD in 2017 (before I met my husband) when I realised that something was not quite right with the way I was and the path it was leading me down. I was a single mum of 1 back then (now 12, mr know it all, my alphabet child - adhd) I had just got out of a relationship and jumped straight into another (I've always had problems with being able to hold onto relationships) most likely due to the fact that I had huge abandonment, trust issues and a desire to be loved. (so obviously met a lot of d**ks)

Did you know BPD suffers are 78% more likely to have issues with addiction (https://www.borderlineintheact.org) I've been apart of that statistic for the last 15 years, what a roller coaster of emotions that's been, I think my addiction started when I was 16, I had lost my mum (who was addicted to cannabis and amphetamines) it's not why she died but I don't doubt it helped with her stroke. I started with small things like cannabis and moved onto cocaine, ecstasy and even tried crack cocaine and heroine, the higher drugs where one offs but in the last 5-10 years it's been alcohol and cocaine. 

Fast forward to now I've had two more children (and 1 step son) so at least 4 years of the above time were spent sober during pregnancies and breastfeeding so I know I CAN abstain from these life killers. But it did make me wonder why I needed a life in me to abstain... seems I've not rated myself as important for a long time.

As soon as I stopped breastfeeding the alcohol came back thick and fast, I've never woken up and drank but I have woken up after a rough night and had to take my children to school. (How very ashamed I am of myself for that) avoiding any parent in sight that may have wanted to chat about the recent head-lice infestation in the class, and pretending to have an appointment and in a rush when the teacher wanted to have a word about my child hitting said other child in the face yesterday, and so I did grow from that and my husband had set conditions to my drinking only being on the weekend when I didn't have to drive the next day, this is good however it also meant that the kids where having a boring day trapped in the house whilst mummy nursed a self inflicted hangover... or daddy having to halt the children on the stairs because mummy was half naked past out on the sofa (soaked with her own piss) not the look you want or need your young children to witness. I was so disgusted with myself I made myself strip and wash the sofa with a pounding head (threw up a few times too) as a punishment to my actions.. why do we do that to ourselves? Why KEEP doing that to ourselves over and over again?
This is not the life I had envisioned for myself and my children! Something has to give... the drinking NEEDS to stop..

Day 0, my promise to end this part of my life.

After a night on the Booze which lead to the useage of cocaine and passing out on the sofa, I woke up with a huge headache and I'm sick of it! Stop doing this to yourself, you have to change or your gna end up with nothing or dead.  
My marriage is on the line and the kids are craving quality time with their parents who every weekend rush to get them to bed so they can have a drink, when did we both become so selfish? The next few days I buy the sober diaries book and start reading...I'm hooked...I'm passionate and ready for this new life, "your amazing Claire" 

I arrange a sober chat with my husband (which is usually only braved after 2 bottles of red and shame the next morning about the hurtful things I've said - if I even remembered) and tell him I'm stopping alcohol for good, I've spent 15+ years doing alcohol and Ive gained nothing other than increased mental health issues, anxiety, depression, guilt and a gut...He is such a supportive husband he tells me I'm not alone and he wants in too. I tell him that it's amazing he's doing it with me (he's amazing with alcohol) and doesn't have to but he's joining me to improve our lives together with our young family and being the amazing support I so desperately need right now. 

BPDA