Week 2

Day 8 

We have my brother-in-law and niece coming today (Saturday), I get up feeling a little gloomy, its grey and drizzly outside and it’s not helping my mojo to clean the house. (funny how the weather affects us)

I manage to make a start in the living room, piling all the kids toys into their boxes and sweeping the floors, now during the cleaning of the living room all the dirty stuff from said living room has been piling up in the kitchen sick, I glance at it (nope) I put a load of washing on (3-4 more to go) there is a rare occurrence in this house that the clothes hampers are not heaving with dirty sticky boys clothes. (joys of being the only female in the house) Finally my husband wakes up 9.30 and starts to tackle the mountain in the sick (yes! my plan of procrastination worked) I express to him that that was my next job on the list but smile and tell him he's great! :-)

This is my first Saturday morning with no hangover to attend with and guest's due to arrive by late afternoon, I’ve recently become a novice chef (inspired by Meliz berg) who cooks beautiful tradition Cypriot/Turkish food (my husband is Cypriot) and so I’ve recently invested in a gorgeous Ninja food processor that takes all the chopping and mixing duties and reduces the prep time by more than half! (winning) so with guests coming I decide to make fresh pizza dough and leave it to proof until were ready to prep toppings. it really is a wonderful accessory to my life and does my dough in 5 minutes. 

Guests arrive and we all catch up briefly and revert to the garden (the sun is now shiny in all its glory - thank the lord) with the Littles (my 22-month-old and 4 1/2 year old) and hot chocolate with cream... we start discussing our 7-day holiday (caravan) of which they are also joining us on, my niece expresses her excitement about it being her first week off and wait for it.... a boozy holiday.... my stomach sinks... I forgot the holiday was coming up in August and now I'm dreading the sobriety, the thoughts are coming thick and fast; I realise I'm panicking!  I'm regretting going sober...

why didn't I start this after the holiday?

Shall I just go sober until the holiday?

Could I have a few drinks?

We all start looking at the activities and this is my ‘light in the end of the tunnel’, my husband and I will be getting up 6.00am with the littles and carting them off after a quick breakfast for fun filled activities... (without a hangover) I start to relax when my husband tells his brother we've quit drinking.... my anxiety hits me like a baseball bat hits a ball.... WHY would you do that to me.... I hadn't planned to really tell people that I had gone sober until I had too, I realise it’s because of what happened with friend 2 last week and start wondering if they are regretting coming with us now were "boring' I didn't say anything to my husband about how humiliated I felt by this but I think he felt it when we were prepping the pizzas together with my quietness. 

In conclusion, I’m feeling bloody great, I realise the pizza making, cleaning up and hosting was brilliant sober, I didn't get overwhelmed, I didn't yell at anyone, I didn't drop everything and walk to the shop for wine.... I’ve got this! we head off to bed with tea and biscuits and I watch one episode of greys anatomy with my headphones on and realise I need to take this one day at a time and not get overwhelmed with being sober forever, which is too big of task in one day. 

Day 9 

My husband wakes up with the kids this morning (it's my lie in today) so I get to blissfully sleep till 9.15, I wake to the sound of littles crying.... back to reality... 

I am feeling ok but still feel like there is a loss, I decide to sit in the garden in the sun and get my blog up...(that's better)  I never knew that blogging would feel so soothing (free therapy), it really helps to write about things and get it out of my head, I don't know why I didn't start one sooner about my BPD as I think it would have been helpful, funny how things turn out, maybe I was never supposed to write one about BPD alone...too superstitious? 

It's a gorgeous day today here in Surrey (washing on the line) so we take the kids  (Bigs - 13 & 12 year old boys & littles) out to some huge play park and have walk around the lake and end with some ice cream Sundays and chips at Smith & Western. after all life is better with ice cream & chips! (also with an added Corona CERO which my husband and I share)  We all have a really nice time and my husband and I chat whilst the kids are walking ahead (or behind on phones ;-s) about how were enjoying this new sober life together, we are hopeful for the future. (phones will now be held hostage in the glove box of the car in future outings, bigs are hard work with tech) 

The rest of this week was generally routine and nothing exciting to talk about :-) 

love 

BPDA