Week 4

Day 22

Ive not had the best week with the youngest little, its really hard to regulate my emotions when I am on edge and it really doesn't help my relationship with my husband either, he will get home from work and I'm there by the door ready to run for it (not nice I know) but it is really hard and I'm only human, I find myself day dreaming about going back to work, I almost did and then the bpd kicked in big time and I had to go back onto my antipsychotics. I am currently awarded limited capability for work so I really want to utilise this time to getting better, start managing my mental health better so that I am in fact ready to go back to work (Im a trainee teacher so really need to be well working with kids) but how can one do this with their children 24/7? You can't claim 15 hours free childcare unless you're working, and you can't go to an interview or getting better without childcare? the system is bugged!! When Ive figured this out I'll let ya know. 

Day 25 

Ive been going down to the sun beds this week (I know, I know Cancer-beds) but the weather here has been so orthodox that ive really not been getting enough vitamin D, its only 6 minutes twice a week and it really has helped.. its made me more aware that when I am feeling overwhelmed that I should be booking amazing facials and massages to replace the alcohol, so this is next on my list (when I can afford it) 

Day 27 

What is it about friends (probably not friends) that feel the need to try and push their alcoholism in your face, I find it quite upsetting, I have not once mocked drinking by other people in anyway, if you want to drink that's your choice, feel free to drink, but I do not, and I have my reasons as to why I don't want to anymore. 

I think what I'm more upset about is this friend should be happy for me, but instead prances around informing me they have been day drinking and off to the shop for more. (I don't miss this one bit) It feels like its delivered to me on a higher level, to make me feel shit and boring for not drinking, sometimes I do feel it, then I get into bed with my book (The unexpected joy of being sober) and I feel a sign of relief. (Thank you Cath...)  

I have realised that who you spend your time with really makes an impact on how you are as a person, and this friend has also opened my eyes up to what a friend should NOT be like in your early stages of sobriety. 

On a plus note, Ive been in contact with an old friend who is also on their own road to recovery (100+ days) and its been so nice to have someone else you can talk to about such things and not have them shove their toxic habits in your face. 

Day 28 

I was meant to go to a baby shower today but ive been having problems with my new car and thus means I shouldn't be driving 2+ hours away from home (even if I have RAC cover) I feel terrible that I couldn't go and I will make it unto my friend once the car has been looked over by the dealer (car dealer obviously). 

Today was due to be a full on day, once I returned from the baby shower we were all going to go to the football party, I couldn't do it, I felt like I just wanted to put my pyjamas on and watch a movie with one of the littles. Ive been feeling like this more or less everyday this week, I am so tired, even though I'm sleeping a good 8 hours a night, maybe this is body trying to catch up with all the sleep debt Ive accrued over the years? But it is also a red flag when I start not liking being around people, Oh gawd! I forgot I had bpd, ive been so consumed by the journey of not drinking and my new life that I forgot, this never usually happens (ever) its kind of nice, but also not nice to forget such a thing. I had been craving alcohol a lot this week and I now understand why, usually when I'm having these lows that Bpd brings I would turn to drinking as a push me up, so I can be more "normal like" but ive realised the "normal" is not actually normal anymore, the people I have surrounded myself around drink constantly, there is nothing normal about this. 

I have taken to meditation this week (thanks Youtube) and it was an hour long, I would never do meditations this long (Ever) and I found it so interesting going back through my life until I was a mere foetus in my mothers womb and feeling safe and then moving passed that into my subconscious being and meeting with her and being able to ask her advice on any current problems/ feelings id be having, I didn't see anyone as such but I felt her telling me, by way of feeling, that I had to continue this journey of sobriety but that I need to give up the smoking also to fully be free of addiction... Im not fully superstitious but I found myself booking a stop smoking appointment this week? (spooky)